Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
