Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
