Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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