Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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