went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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