you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize