I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
