You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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