you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
