One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
