so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
