When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
