some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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