Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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