you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Found your dick twin last night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
