so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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