I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
