I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
