it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
