her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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