i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
