i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
