Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
