i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
