I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
