I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
