Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
