When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
