I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
