i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
