theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
