so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
