I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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