i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
how drunk are you?
Several
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
