He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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