id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
