I'm so fucking centered right now
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
