Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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