from now on my penis is your penis
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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