Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
