i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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