Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
