look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize