She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
