i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
