And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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