i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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