I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
