just survived the first fart of the relationship.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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