Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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