Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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