Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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