is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
