ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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