best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I love you. Go after that dick
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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