WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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