If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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