I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
