just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
