I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize